This Post Title for Rent
August 26^th, 2003
11:25 A.M.

See? I told you yesterday that I had no idea what I would be posting about today! Let me see here….what’s on my mind right now;

I’ve been invited down to Muscle (yep, that Muscle, not this Mussel) Shoals, Alabama to visit my sister and niece. They’ve been telling me about this wonderful park along the Tennessee River that has a lighted fountain … apparently this fountain plays some sort of music…I’ll post more about it on Monday night when I get back home. Of course, I also plan to keep a journal while I’m away from home to make up for missing the Saturday and Sunday posts.

I was talking to a friend of mine about what happened between my ex-girlfriend and I. (I don’t think she would ever let me call her “fiancée,” but I did go ring shopping at one point about four years ago.) To tell you what kind of state I’m still in…what I’m still trying to sort out…is how I got from hearing her say, “I like it when you touch me” to “Sometimes when you touch me I feel violated.” These are two things she told me…only a year and a half apart. I mean, if she was tired of being with me, why didn’t she give me one of those “my needs have changed” talks? I mean…why did she have to make me feel like dirt?
That is only one of the many things that transpired which makes me skittish about dating again. One of the other things was being called a “drama queen.” That was the first time I had ever heard that phrase, and stuck me as something only a totally heartless person would say. I finally heard someone else say it, and I was right…the next person I heard say it was a heartless…

Of course, I would like another chance at being in love…and having that love returned (consistently.)

That’s another thing. I’d tell this wonderful lady (again, I’m being serious here…I know she was only confused, though the way she put it was “I’m just confusing”) that I love her, and I would then get the feeling that I was talking to a statue. She would actually shut down on me when I told her that…and the shutting down started pretty early in the relationship. When she got over the shutting down phase, she would respond to “I love you” with “Me, too!”

Every
Single
Time.

I mean, I thought it was funny the first three or four times…but after a couple of years, it hurt too much to hear that. I may have even stopped telling her so often. Then, after the “Me, too” phase, she went into this thing where it seemed almost as if she were ignoring “I love you” all together.

I still wonder what it would feel like to say “I love you” and hear “I love you, too” in return...for the rest of my life...

So, with that off my chest, readers, you can see why I’ve been trying to keep busier than usual. If I sit around doing my usual routine (doing next to nothing) I start reflecting on the seven and a half years I spent with someone who couldn’t make up her mind whether she loved me or not. (Yes, make up her mind on a matter of the heart. I never got that. I probably never will.)
You can also see why I post here so often. I wonder myself if I’ll write so often once I get some things sorted out. I doubt it, though. I do like writing, and I’m doing it a lot more often than I have in 10 years. And, I have a lot more to get out …

There’s still Amy I have to tell you all about…