Should I Stay or Should I Go?
September 7^th, 2003
6:23 P.M.

Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.
Euripides (484 BC - 406 BC)

Remember how I said yesterday that I was getting over the pangs of seeing my ex with another guy? Well, I spoke too soon. I'm still in the middle of this, dear reader, and I don't quite understand why. I mean, you folks have surely read by now (post titled I Still Have That Other Girl in My Head) what went on between us over the course of the relationship...And, while I was still her boyfriend, I moved across the street from her so it would be easier for she and I to have time together (which, of course, didn't happen)
I suppose that this is all a matter of realizing that it's over, like D was telling me yesterday. Here I am now, fresh from a new crying spell, wondering once again if I should move. D told me that so long as I am having chance encounters with my ex like that, I will still hurt just as bad every time. And she should know. She dated my old best friend for almost as long as I dated my ex, and I honestly believe she went through a great deal worse than I did. I don't expect D to write about her experiences with my late best friend anytime soon...I hope she doesn't mind me pointing out that it has been almost a year since he died, and I half-way expect that anniversary to be tough on her. More so than it will be for me. She's told me quite a bit about what she went through with him, and I was actually around for most of it.
I just wish I could have been there for her through the worst of it all. But, here we are now, and her friendship remains a source of strength for me. I can honestly say that I don't know where I would be had I not clicked on the link to the Bryan Station Alumni Association website, and saw her name there...with a way of contacting her.
I wonder, with a shudder, where I would be now had I not e-mailed her...as was my inclination. I was afraid of reminding her of her ex, since he and I had a close friendship that ran from childhood into adulthood. This reason alone lead to she and I going seperate ways for so many years.
It was implicit, for a while, that wherever I was, her ex would be close behind. And vice versa. But, that wasn't the way it worked for very long. I faded out of her life, hoping to take her ex with me...because I wanted to see him get well again...to get over her and move on to someone else. I hope I'm not saying too much here, but my old best friend did actually show signs that he could become a danger to her. I didn't want to see him do anything that would ruin both of their lives...or end them.
And, as for my being able to distract him...to help him move on...It was no use. He was completely hung up on her, and could not (would not?) move on.
He was my best friend...We were to be the best men at each other's weddings...we were supposed to be the loud and silly old men who played checkers on the front lawn of the retirement home...All of that is gone, now. It was gone years ago, and I knew it. Even before D finally got the nerve to leave the situation, I knew he was fading out, and there was nothing I could do.
I could try to help D by keeping the ex occupied. Instead...When I finally got back in contact with her, I helped her by validating what she had felt before she even left him. I told her that she did the right thing, and that there was nothing that she, nor I, nor anyone else could have done to save him. I miss that man terribly. I missed him before he died. He was the big brother I never had.
And I watched as he faded.